


Supposed to Be

by phoenixprentiss



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F, Flashbacks, Friendship/Love, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:00:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21721879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixprentiss/pseuds/phoenixprentiss
Summary: Late one girls' night, JJ tells Penelope everything that happened between her and Emily.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 12
Kudos: 137





	Supposed to Be

**Author's Note:**

> I know I said that my last fic was going to be my last for a while... but turns out I just can't stay away from JJ and Emily. No surprises there. Hope you enjoy!

“Drive safe, Alex, and let us know when you get home.” The brunette agent waved, turning around and heading down Penelope’s driveway and getting in her car. JJ and Penelope watched her car pull away before shutting the front door. Walking back towards Penelope’s couch and collapsing in exhaustion, JJ sighed. Penelope plopped down right next to her, still nursing her last drink; some colorful cocktail she spent twenty minutes whipping together in the kitchen.

“I love that woman,” Penelope lamented. “You know, I had to tell myself not to compare her to Emily so much, because even though she replaced her on the team, she didn’t replace her as a person. You know?”

“Yeah, sure.” JJ answered, running her hand through her hair and pulling her legs up to her chest. She got along well with Blake. It was different not having Emily on the team, but she and Blake worked well together. It was definitely related to being the only women in the field in such a male-dominated unit. You bond, after a while, when you’re used to not getting taken seriously as a female FBI agent. It was a different bond, with Blake, than it had been with Emily, and JJ knew that no one would be able to replace Emily, not with what they had together.

JJ wasn’t sure why she said it. She wasn’t tipsy anymore; in fact, she’d sobered up quite a bit in the last hour or two. It just kind of… came out.

“Do you remember when I worked for the State Department?”

“Yeah, Jayje, that was just a few years ago. What about it?”

“And it was around the same time that Emily died, you know…”

“Yeah,” Penelope answered. JJ glanced over, and Penelope was looking at her with confused eyes.

“Hotch called me back in, as you know, and then, I went with Emily to Paris. I gave her her new identities and passports and bank accounts, you know, and that was supposed to be it. She walked away and that was supposed to be the end.

“But I followed her. I knew I shouldn’t. But I couldn’t just let her walk away into the world without actually… saying goodbye.”

_The air was brisk. She didn’t mean to follow her. This wasn’t like JJ, at all, to break protocol and go running down the streets of Paris. Especially not when she knew that Emily’s identity and whereabouts were entirely need-to-know. She didn’t mean to get up from the small table and hurry after the brunette. She was putting both of them at an extreme risk right now, but that didn’t stop her. She was supposed to disappear into the distance. JJ wanted to call her name but she remembered that Emily wasn’t her name anymore, at least it wasn’t supposed to be. So she ran, and finally caught up with the woman she couldn’t yet leave behind._

_“Em, I…” She was out of breath as she reached for Emily by the shoulder. Startled, Emily turned back around._

_“JJ, what are you doing?”_

_“I wanted to say goodbye. Properly, I guess. I don’t know. I just… I couldn’t leave you yet.”_

_“Okay,” Emily answered, looking around them warily. “Come back with me.”_

Penelope still looked confused, but her eyebrows were no longer as deeply furrowed as they were a moment ago.

“We went back to her new flat together. And we slept together. For the first time in years. I thought I would only be there for a little bit but then I stayed. I wanted to be there for her and she wanted me there. I knew I could only stay a couple days at most. And I did.”

“You’d been together before?” Penelope asked. Even though she knew this was a serious conversation, she couldn’t hide her surprise.

“Years ago. And it wasn’t like we were together, it was just a few times, probably in 2007… when she was new to the team. Before I even knew Will.”

“So this whole time you’ve been hiding this steamy affair with Emily?” Penelope said, still unable to contain her excitement.

“No, Pen, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t mean to cheat on Will. God, no, not at all. It just kind of happened, we both wanted it…” Slightly distracted, JJ tried to relax, letting her legs settle into a crossed position.

“In 2007 or in Paris?” Suddenly, Penelope was worried that this was too personal, but JJ answered anyway.

“Both.” JJ sighed deeply. “And I don’t regret it.”

“JJ, I…” Penelope began. Her face softened. “I’ve kind of wondered about you two for years, honestly. I didn’t think anything had ever happened.”

“Well, yeah. It wasn’t much. And, again, it wasn’t some steamy and lustful affair or anything. I thought I loved her. In Paris. We said it to each other. And I think we believed it, right then and there, but when I left, it kind of dissolved. It had to, and we both knew that.”

_It was warm underneath the sheets. It was not quite spring in Paris, but winter had mostly faded away. It was a strange bed in a simple flat but the woman JJ was next to was as familiar as ever before. Emily’s skin was smoother than she’d remembered, but then again, it had been years since they’d last done anything together. It was refreshing._

_The night was late, but neither woman was near ready to fall asleep. They lay on their sides, facing each other, fingertips brushing against soft skin and lips pressing tiny kisses into shoulders. It was gentle and serene all at once, a much needed break from everything that happened in the last several days. JJ wasn’t sure what exactly had happened or how she’d gone from a Middle East assignment with the State Department to being in bed with Emily Prentiss in France. This didn’t feel like her life._

_Was any of this even real?_

_“Emily, I…”_

_“Shh…” Emily silenced JJ with a short, gentle kiss. JJ’s eyes fluttered closed, and she breathed out a gentle sigh of relief._

_“I love you.” JJ wasn’t sure if she should say it, or even if Emily would say it back. Emily might’ve brushed her off, wise enough to think it was just the heat of the moment._

_Emily took a breath and met JJ’s eyes with her own._

_“I love you, too.”_

_Emily kissed her once again, and an overwhelming sense of peace came over JJ. She knew instantly that this was where she felt she belonged. She didn’t know how she was supposed to say goodbye._

_Not even once did JJ think of any reason to doubt it. Emily’s love. Until she got home, and returned to her boyfriend and son, her real life. She was supposed to be grieving Emily, not falling in love with her. And worst of all, it felt so much like a dream that she could hardly convince herself it had happened at all. The only other person in the world that she trusted, that was there with her in Paris, was dead._

_When Emily came home, JJ wanted nothing more than a moment alone. She wasn’t sure if they would pick up right where they left off, if it would go back to how it was before, or if Emily would even say anything about their nights in Paris._

_But, as JJ soon found out, Emily was intent on having things go back to how they were before. That moment alone never came, and JJ found herself having to accept that that was how it was going to be. Paris was Paris, and that was it. No more. Everything that happened between them was left behind in that small, unfamiliar apartment. It was crushing, for JJ, for a moment, before she accepted that that was how life had to be._

“But I don’t think I ever stopped loving her.”

“What about Will?” Penelope whisper.

“I married him because it was easy. Things were always easy with him. Being with him didn’t mean running off to Paris because the woman you’re in love with is supposed to be dead.” JJ’s voice was edged with spite, still from the stress of the situation, even though it was years in the past.

“Penelope, I… I knew from a young age that I liked both men and women but Emily was… Emily was the first time I ever really loved a woman.”

And then, just as suddenly as she had begun, JJ shook her head and said, “Anyways, I don’t know why I needed to tell you all of that. Mostly just that I loved her. I still do, I guess you could say.”

“Does she know?”

“She might. I don’t know. She saw me marry Will and then she left. Nothing says ‘I’ve moved past you completely’ like marrying someone else.” Even though I didn’t, she added as an afterthought.

“You know… she did the same thing that you did in 2011. When you and Cruz were… kidnapped,” Penelope’s voice grew hesitant, not sure if bringing this up would be a sore subject or not, but she continued. “Hotch called her, and she dropped everything. She was on a plane before she even knew what was happening. Hotch just said she was on her way and then we talked to her while she was on the plane.”

“Really?”

“You didn’t know that?”

“No, I…” JJ paused to reflect. It hadn’t really surprised her when Emily came. Sometimes JJ had to remember that Emily came in order to help the team find her, rather than what she sometimes told herself… that Emily came to rescue her. “I didn’t really talk to Emily before she flew back. I mean, we talked a little bit, but I mostly just thanked her. For saving my life.”

_It was freezing cold outside the bar, no surprise since it was the middle of February. Emily was outside, taking a break for some air, when JJ approached her._

_“Hey,” Emily’s voice was soft. “How are you feeling?”_

_“I’m…” JJ couldn’t answer. Although she was putting on a façade for the team, to say that she was fine would be a lie. And Emily, more than anyone else, could see through her lies._

_“Yeah. I get it.”_

_That’s when it struck her. Emily did get it. She knew what it was like to face the end. She knew what it was like to be saved. JJ had been there, JJ had helped save her... right now was just like Paris, except it was a million times different than Paris. JJ was alive._

_It was okay if she didn’t say anything, because Emily knew that sometimes there were no words. Even if JJ felt like falling apart, as she did right now, Emily would understand. It was like a breath of fresh air, a fleeting feeling that she wasn’t as alone as she had been starting to think she was._

_“Yeah.” JJ exhaled. She didn’t know what she’d come out here to say._

_“Come here,” Emily said, and JJ obliged. Of course she did. She always would. It had been months since she’d last seen Emily, and she couldn’t believe, in the moment, that they were both right here._

_Gently, Emily pulled JJ into her arms, not holding her too tight, understanding that she was fragile, still. Why hadn’t they taken her to a hospital? Why the hell were they out getting drinks? It seemed as though they were celebrating, maybe the fact that she was okay, but still it felt inappropriate. No one seemed to resist, however. JJ didn’t think that anyone on the team quite knew what to do with themselves right now. It’s never a good thing to think you’re going to lose a member of your family._

_JJ held on to Emily as though for dear life, and just having Emily’s arms around her relaxed her, just the smallest bit. JJ wasn’t ready when they pulled apart._

_“Thank you. For coming. And for saving me.”_

_“Oh, Jayje, you don’t have to thank me. I would do anything for you.”_

_With that, Emily pressed a short kiss to her cheek and went back inside._

I would do anything for you.

How many times JJ has repeated those words in her mind. A million. Almost like I love you, but not quite. No, not at all. There was a difference.

“I guess I didn’t realize she came here so quickly. It was all kind of a blur around then and I wasn’t particularly thinking through the logistics of everything.”

“Think about it now,” Penelope said, smiling gently.

“She would do anything for me,” JJ whispered to herself, and Penelope nodded.

“You should call her.”

JJ stared at the wall, unable to think straight.

“Yeah. Maybe I will.”

A moment passed, and JJ whispered, “It’s not too late?”

“What? No, it’s the morning in London right now.”

JJ rolled her eyes, shoving Penelope playfully, yet sleepily. “No, I mean it’s not too late to tell her. I am married after all. And she has her own life.”

“Listen, JJ. Everything you just told me, you wouldn’t have told me if you weren’t madly in love with this woman. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I just think that if you keep going without saying anything, you’re only going to feel worse as more time passes.” With that, the technical analyst stood up from her couch and said, decidedly, “And now, I’m going to sleep. You gonna crash on the couch?”

“Yeah, I think so. If that’s okay,” JJ replied absentmindedly. Penelope’s words lingered in her mind, their truth glaring.

“And… if you want to make a certain phone call, feel free to. Once I’m asleep I’m out like a log so I won’t hear a thing.” Penelope smiled. “Good night, Jayje.”

“Good night, Pen.”

It took only a matter of seconds for Penelope to take her empty glass to the kitchen and disappear down the hallway and for JJ to unlock her phone and pull up her contacts.

With a deep breath, she lay back on the couch and pressed _call_.


End file.
